Epic fail

What a day. Do you ever make a commitment to the Lord and the first day you embark on the journey you end falling flat on your face? Do you ever wish you could just erase a day from the memory of your children? Yeah, today was that kind of day. Epic failure to the 100th degree. Oh, boy. I had such high hopes. I met with Carrie Irish last night and had a wonderful conversation. It was so good to talk and pray with another Christian woman. We decided to work on two words this week and hold each other accountable. The two words were prayer and joy. These are two things we agreed that both of us need to work on. I started a prayer journal last night and even prayed when I woke up in the middle of the night. This morning I awoke and wrote again. Good start even if I did wake up late. The day just went downhill from there with me going to the prayer journal over and over again confessing my horrible, rotten, angry spirit all day. The kids got on my every nerve today. Everyone complained all day. Alex got very angry today and threw a chair at me over school. The kids destroyed the house every time I cleaned it up. The phone was ringing off the hook with telemarketers ( thank you time Warner cable company). Everywhere I turned I was met with something that just made me angry. I spent the whole day trying to recover and it just did not work. Add football practice and a husband who was running late to the mix and no food in the house to fix dinner and it was a recipe for disaster. I am currently out of butter,  eggs,  cheese,  lunch meat, meat, chicken, cereal. Oh I so need to go grocery shopping. We ended up at McDonald's for dinner. Needless to say my prayer journal for today is full of pleading for mercy and grace and a whole lot of confession. Tomorrow will begin with confession to my children for showing them a bad example. Oh how wonderful the Lord is to give us a new day each morning. How much more wonderful is it that he removes our sins as far as the east is from the west when we confess them. Epic failure today, you bet. Tomorrow is a new day and will I fall again, probably. But I will keep on praying and confessing and praying some more.

True Repentance

I have been given a great view of repentance lately. The latest incident came from my sweet Esther. It needs a little bit of background information first. Carl and I met about three weeks ago for a very important date night. I had been praying very hard lately about some things in our marriage. Since we got back from vacation things have not been good and they were getting worse. Without airing all the dirty details, let's just say things were really bad. I was suffering from depression and Carl was angry, all the time. The kids were suffering and Alex especially was starting to act out violently towards me. I was at the end of my rope. The Lord has really been working on my heart about where my joy comes from. For our entire marriage I have been struggling with finding my joy in my marriage and how Carl feels about me. Lately we have not been very loving toward one another so obviously I did not think too highly of myself. The Lord finally knocked me flat and made me realize that my joy and strength comes from HIM. Now, I know this and have known it for my entire Christian life but saying it and putting it into practice are two different things. Carl has been struggling with his priorities and putting God first in his life. Things came to a point on that date night that things were either going to change or drastic measure would have to be taken. Carl met with one of the elders the following Monday. I knew he was meeting in the morning and was praying hard. I was shocked to see Carl come home about 2:00 in the afternoon. He NEVER does this. I was scared to hear what he had to say. The last time he came home in the middle of the day it was not good news. He told me that he had been praying for several HOURS! The Lord was really dealing with him and he came home to ask forgiveness and repent. I was shocked and so proud of him. Things got even better on Saturday when he went to my parents and asked their forgiveness. WOW! The next day was Sunday and Carl had been planning to go before the church and repent. I knew this was the real test of whether this repentance was real. I had seen changes already in him but really needed to see him do this. He walked right up to the front of the church with one of the elders and truly repented. He asked my forgiveness and the kids and even the churches for not treating his family as God intended. I was crying especially when the men of the church gathered around him right at the front of the church and prayed for him. It was amazing to hear their prayers and see grown men wrap their arms around my husband in great big bear hugs. I was thankful, amazed, tearful, and joyful all the same time. It has taken us many years and many struggles to get to this point. I realize that Carl did not mess up this family on his own. I take part of the blame in this. Carl and I have been drawing closer to God each day and closer to each other. We have never communicated as well as we have these past couple weeks. Perfection, NO! Grace and mercy and forgiveness, YES!!!!!! Carl getting up and repenting before the church did more to make me trust and love him than anything he has ever done in our whole marriage. I am so proud of MY MAN!!!!! Now back to the story about Esther. We have been reading Hero Tales as part of Bible in school. We were reading about Moody this week. Each story has character qualities that the kids need to copy and illustrate. One of them this week was repentance. Esther copied the definition: repentance is not just saying you're sorry for sin, but going in a new direction. Her drawing is what brought tears to my eyes. She drew a picture of Carl before the church repenting. She drew the people and the elders and everything. I was just so thankful for the wonderful picture of repentance that God has given to our family. Please pray as now that we are starting to make some changes that the fiery darts of Satan would be useless against our family.