Letting Go

Today was a day for letting go. I have been dealing with something with regard to one of the children since he was very little. He has seen multiple specialists and everyone has agreed that there was something wrong but no one would say what it was. We saw specialists at our pediatrician s office, and several at UNC. He was diagnosed with several things but in my heart I knew that there was something more. I knew what it was but I could not get the right diagnosis. I knew that once I had this diagnosis that it would open a door to the therapy and help this child needs. I made an appointment with a doctor who is considered to be THE specialist in diagnosing this particular problem. We had an appointment today with her. I was prepared to hear her diagnosis of what I knew already and move on to getting help for my child. I was not prepared for what she told us. What I thought it was she said it was not. She said it was just what we already knew he had been diagnosed with. I was devastated. Was I wrong all this time? I have been second guessing myself all day. I feel like such a bad mother because I was sure I knew what the problem was. I have just been upset all day because now I am right back where I was before. I have a child who needs help and I have to figure out how to do that on my own. Now begins the research of trying to fix the problems he has on my own. Diet changes, maybe. More structure, definitely. Lots of patience and time spent working with this child one on one. Trying to balance that with helping 3 other children who tend to have problems too. Trying to deal with the social aspects of this problem. I just felt deflated because I have other people say that my child has this particular problem that the doctor said he does not have. The thing i need to remember is, he is still the same kid he was yesterday. He still has these issues and will for the rest of his life. I guess it is just time to let it go and move on to helping him myself. I have been doing that his whole life, now I guess I just need to step it up a little. A lot of people have asked me why I would want this diagnosis for my child. Here is my reason. We live in a world that watches each other. I have had people ask me what condition this particular child had. I have always told them what he has been diagnosed with already knowing in my heart it was something more. I would have liked to have been able to tell them a real answer. When I tell them what he has been diagnosed with, they look at me weird because he acts differently than any child I have ever known with what they say he has. I especially would have liked to have told some family members who treat this child differently. I know things will be okay. I guess I am just venting a little. The Lord has sent me peace today but it keeps being swallowed up with Satan's attempts to discourage me. I need to keep my mind focused on things of God so I can continue to have peace. The Lord gave me a phrase from a song today that I have been clinging to. "Every gift that I receive you determined just for me, but nothing I desire compares with You." I have just been playing this song over and over today. This child is such a special gift. God knew that I needed him and he needed me. It was determined by God for me to be his mom because The Lord knew that I would take care of him and fight for him and protect him and teach him. He is my sweet boy and will forever love him and I think that God made him for a special purpose. He is unique and there is no one like him. He makes me smile and has such a sweet spirit that does not want to see anyone in pain. He is my constant companion and probably will be most of his life. I pray that God would reveal to both of us the wonderful plan He has for this child.

Three things I am thankful for:

61. A gift in the sky-Orion constellation. With 6 boys, we love the soldier with his knife/sword. We look for it every night. My husband's brother is Ryan and we were pointing out Orion one night in the car. One of my littles called out from the back of the van, " I don't see Uncle Ryan." Too funny.

62. A gift in water - Falls Lake, where we get our water from, is full and looks awesome. I have seen it almost empty during a drought.

63. A gift in memory - the meek and quiet spirit of my grandmother, Hester Holder. She died this summer. May I be like her in the way she never rose her voice to her children. I have one of her pearl necklaces that was given to me at her funeral. All the daughters and granddaughters received a piece of jewelry that belonged to her.

64. A gift wrinkled - the hands of my mother reaching out to hold my 1 year old daughter.

65. The smooth, clear skin of my daughters arms wrapped around her BaBa's neck tightly.

66. My mother bought me a really soft blanket for my birthday. The kids call it my special blanket. Tonight I could not stop shivering. I unfolded the blanket, which is always on the back of my headboard and now I am all nice and toasty. Thank goodness for mothers who buy warm, snuggly blankets.

67. In Christ I find peace. Today has been a day of disappointment and letting go of something I have held on to for years. I am still struggling but He has sent me peace today through songs.

68. In Christ I find satisfaction in my life. Right where I am is exactly where God wants me. Even in my disappointment today, He is all I ever need.

69. In Christ I find purpose. Every gift I have been given has been determined to be just right for me by God himself. Being a mother to two children who have severe ADHD and two others with other problems is a struggle but God knew I was the right mom for these children. I am their mom because God knew that it was the best thing for me and them.

I love Carl because he is sensitive to when I am upset and gives me the time and space I need to get myself together.