Today, I am weary. I am just worn out physically. That always affects my days. I find myself more frustrated and short with the kids. I think it has been such an effort to keep myself on track these past days that satan is trying to convince me to give up. I cannot. I have seen such a difference in my little ones these past few days. Caleb has been such a sweet little boy as I am trying to show my children more joy. It is exhausting since I have been the direct opposite for so long. I also think the flu bug we had over Christmas is still affecting me. I seem to run out of energy after lunch. I pray to God for strength as I get out of bed in the morning. I guess I need to reconnect with him after lunch so I I have energy for the afternoon. That is when things seem to start going downhill. Alex has been with my mom since Sunday. We picked him up yesterday so I am again trying to deal with his anger issues over everything. It takes all my energy to remain calm and try to explain to him that he is being what the Bible describes as a fool. When he gets angry the other kids feed off that and it becomes a house of chaos. I have been really trying to talk to him about a foolish man verses a wise man and what kind of man he wants to be. He seems to be responding well but it is exhausting as a mother to deal with your child's anger, especially when it was modeled for him by me. I see small changes and that is encouraging.
Now you might be asking what this has to do with the question for today. Really, everything. If I do not start my day with communication with God and continue that through my day, then my day will fall apart. I need his strength to make it through taking care of 8 children and a house and husband. I have tried so many times to do it in my own strength but I fail 100% of the time. I have been crying out to God these last few weeks that he would just work in a mighty way in my life. He has been and I am praising him for it. My prayer life is still an area where I feel I need more help. I guess because I am a writer and have a creative mind that my mind is full of ideas and stories. I find my self thinking about everything but what I should be praying for. If I do not focus my mind then I do not have a focused prayer time. In order to do this I must write in my prayer journal. It is a necessity if I am to have a good prayer life. That is what I am going to change this year. I need to right in my journal whenever I feel led.
Some things I heard tonight while listening to a sermon by Paul Washer really pricked my heart. He asked "Is God just an accessory to you?" That is an awesome question. Is he the center of my life or is he just something that I grab on my way out the door so I look good on the outside? Another very interesting thing he said was about knowing God. He said it was not so much that we know God but that he knows us. He gave an illustration that just explained this perfectly. If I go up to the White House and ask to let in because I claim that I know Obama, they are probably going to arrest me. If Obama comes out and tells them he knows who I am, I am going to be allowed in. Do you see the difference? There are so many people who claim to know Christ but when they get to heaven they are going to be in shock that Jesus says that he does not know who they are. How can over 70% of this godless nation claim to be Christians and there still be 4,000 babies aborted each day? My heart grieved over the people living today who believe they have salvation in Christ but they really do not. The key is stated over and over again of how we can tell someone has a genuine faith in Christ. We can tell by the fruit in their lives. What fruit have I been producing? What about the fruit in the lives of my children? I need to be drawing so close to God that the fruit just spills out of me. I have seen such a difference these past few weeks in my soul and I find myself rejoicing more and being convicted about so many things in my life. I pray that I continue in this path that I am on.
Three things I am thankful for today:
28. A gift sour- a sour note on the piano played by one of my three children taking lesson. We are so blessed to afford lessons this year.
29. A gift sweet - my three year old boy lifting his arms up to me this morning and saying "Mommy, will you dance with me?" How could I resist?
30. A gift just right - my sweet husband kissing me goodbye on his way out the door to work. I was half asleep at the time but it made me thankful at how hard he works to provide me the opportunity to homeschool our 8 blessings.
I love Carl because he knows when my "I'm fine." Is a lie.
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